they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
