Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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