Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
