I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
