I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
