she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
