My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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