My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
