it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
