Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
