i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
false alarm. still invincible.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
