you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I got inside last night via doggy door
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
