Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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