fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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