Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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