I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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