Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
