end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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