Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So many bounce houses so little time
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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