Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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