I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
