the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
