Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
