Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
