watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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