My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
