Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
