proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
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You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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