Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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