i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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