highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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