Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
