dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
