then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
