My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
