The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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