Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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