Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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