i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize