how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
