my phone needs a breathalizer
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
