I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
