tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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