Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
