1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
