hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
