it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
