ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
