Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
