i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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