Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
