my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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