So drunk its hurt
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
