it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
