My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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