This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
