3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
