yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
