Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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