I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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