Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
