Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
