y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
