I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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