he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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